you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
it was like his penis was on wheels.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
