Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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