i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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