remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
