Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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