I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
