At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
