Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
