i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
