My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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