you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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