I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
