she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
