We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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