Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
