Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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