can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
