EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
