I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
