got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
