She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Having a random hookup so left but love u
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
