I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
