No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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