Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
