No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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