I'm going to rape someone's good day.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
