I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
