Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
