why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
