ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
