My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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