The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
