Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
