I puked a lego.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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