LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
