I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
