Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
