and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
