i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
