i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
