I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
