Quick, to the slutcave!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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