I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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