ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The uberlube is also flammable
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My vagina just clenched in fear
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
