but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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