Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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