fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
