First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
