It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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