In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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